im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
Can you repeat that, but with context?
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
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