omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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