I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
