I'm jealous of your bromance
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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