Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
