you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
