my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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