my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
