a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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