my phone needs a breathalizer
please come you make the beer taste better
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
yes he's amazing in bed. he made me like, black out. everything went black it was weird. so yes, i'd fuck him again. plus, he has every season of buffy on dvd
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
