i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Randomize
