Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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