A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Randomize
