How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
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