I want to make a zoo with you.
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Randomize
