I molested 6 butterflies tonight
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
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i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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