She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
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well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
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I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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