i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
Princesses don't give blow jobs
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
I have feelings that need drinking.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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