one word: firstdatebathroomanal
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
