Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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