I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Randomize
