For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
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