i just sent this text using only my big toe
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Randomize
