so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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