i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Randomize
