apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Randomize
