Four minutes until I can fart!
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
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