I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
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