i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Randomize
