Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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