Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
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Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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