dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
foreskin is a definite game changer
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
