I feel like I'm in dance class right now
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
