I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Randomize
