how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
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