She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
