Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
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Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
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I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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