Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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