Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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