What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
