sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
