Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Randomize
