also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
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