note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Randomize
