talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
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