remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
