Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
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Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
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I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
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