New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
