No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Randomize
