you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
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You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
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