how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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