I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
