Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
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