Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
