he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
