Dude my mom stole all your condoms
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.
Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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