my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
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