he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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